Today I made a huge mistake at work. Very big. I felt awful and it left me in tears (in the middle of the work day). Two of my favorite co-workers handed me tissues and told me that yes, it was a mistake, but no, it wasn't the end of the world. They were very nice, but I didn't really believe them. I've already made so so many mistakes, and this was a very not-good one. The rest of the day I could almost feel me shriveling up inside myself. I thought about quitting my job. I told myself that I will always be the girl that screws things up. I was once again reminded of my overly-large ability to make people's lives worse.
Before I was getting ready to leave for the day, the head nurse--an older woman who has yelled at me before and who is never afraid to say exactly what she is thinking--came up to my front desk to ask me to give some supplies to someone. As she was walking away, she turned around and came back and started bringing up my mistake. And she said, "Don't worry about. Everyone has done something like that, whether they'll admit it or not. It's part of life. I make mistakes all the time." I said "Barbara I feel so so bad about doing that." And she said, " Don't worry about it. It's okay." Her words probably meant a little more to me because I knew from my history with her that she is not one to sugar-coat things, and she meant exactly what she said. And on my drive home, my mind lingered on the simple (yet not so simple) idea of grace. I may not have experienced much grace with the patient who was greatly affected by my mistake, but I did experience grace from the head nurse. A person who had every right to sit me down, tell me how incompetent I am, replay my mistakes, and ignore my tears. And instead she shared simple words of good-will and encouragement. Just a simple story, but I think one that will stay with me for a long time. Now I have two life-stories of grace.
There are now two great stories of grace in my life. Two instances where I had supremely screwed up and there was nothing I could do to fix the mistakes. Two times when I knew I deserved nothing but anger and punishment, but unexpectedly received only love and grace instead. Once, with my Linds, and once with a nurse named Barbara.
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I kept reading the "two" and I was thinking- "geez, clearly I haven't read her blog in awhile, I don't know about the second big mistake." And then it said my name :) I'm seriously so glad that time made you experience grace. I thought about that night the other day, laughing at how irrational I was thinking I could just walk home from the monastery at 2:00 in the morning. I'm so ridiculous! When I think of that night and all those tears I don't think of sadness, I think of grace too (and also how hairy my legs were when Hass and Jordan put their hands on my knees to pray with me). God is good to us both :)
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